YTAH's Weblog


Election ’09: YTAH weighs in

Posted in politics by YTAH on April 20, 2009

Once upon a time, an upcoming election was both a daunting prospect and a moral imperative. Which party should you vote for? Which set of politicians had South Africa’s interests most at heart? Where would they lead our country, and who would benefit and who would suffer?

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A Letter of Resignation

Posted in humour,rants,work by YTAH on March 12, 2009

To my boss

Regarding our amiable conversation this morning. I believe you mentioned that I arrived late. Oh, was I late this morning? Thank you for letting me know! Gosh, you’re useful. A talking human clock. So that’s why you get the big money. You can tell what the time is and when I arrive? How very informative. Thanks – thank you for telling me that I was late, as opposed to being on time, or early, or in outer space. Wow. The summit of human accomplishment, you are. Your logic circuits alone must weigh a ton. (Pity the wiring’s a bit rusty, but I suppose disuse will do that.) (more…)

REVIEW: FRIDAY THE 13TH [2009]

Posted in movie review by YTAH on March 12, 2009
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[4 out of 10.]

From the same team who brought you the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre comes the 12th, rather pedestrian installment of the Jason franchise. For anyone who hasn’t seen the original film, a belated spoiler warning – albeit one that should have come from the filmmakers themselves. The new remake/reboot begins with a tedious prologue that gives away the ending of the original film, so if you never got around to watching it and you want to leave that option open, you should perhaps show up 5 minutes late.

Not that anything in this film would make you want to watch another one, except perhaps to wash the distaste out of your mouth. The film starts with a group of college kids on a trip into the forest to find a weed plantation of camping trips past. Being a Jason film, they set up camp near Crystal Lake and in so doing disturb the peace-loving ways of Jason, he of the hockey mask and machete, so don’t get too attached to them. (more…)

CRIME: Legalize it and it will go away.

Posted in humour,satire by YTAH on February 19, 2009
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Mary Wanna, ek het jou lief.

Mary Wanna, ek het jou lief.

Lots of people in this country complain about crime. But let’s face it: we actually like some of the crime. There is some crime, for example, that you only get around here. And yeah, I think that we ought to, you know, be proud of what we’ve achieved: we’ve given the world whole new kinds of crime – we’re famous for it. And that’s an amazing accomplishment, if you think about it. And I think about it a lot, especially when I’m enjoying some of the finest crime in the world. (more…)

Welcome to 2000-and-Why-Do-We-Give-A-Fuck.

Posted in humour,journalism by YTAH on January 21, 2009
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2009 American Inauguration Special.

Welcome back fuckers, and say hello to the 21st of January 2009, the first day that the world woke up to an African-American running the White House. In my previous post, I mentioned Barack Obama’s election victory in the U.S. as, well, one of the positive changes we could look forward to in 2009. This was just over three weeks ago, when 2009 still seemed like such a promising year, full of potential and sweetness yet to be savoured.

But having been back at work for just over two weeks, I realize that my optimism may have been a tad premature. (more…)

Movies to Remember 2008 By

Posted in movies,YTAH by YTAH on December 23, 2008
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I’ve written a lot about movies this year, both for Africans and for other sites. I’ve attended film festival after interminable film festival, attended preview upon preview, and that’s apart from renting movies, watching TV series on DVD, and paying to see films on the big screen.

So you’d think I’d have an easy time deciding which films to recommend and which to deride, but the honest truth is that I can’t even remember most of them. Sure, there were some great films on circuit this year (or were there?), but frankly, who gives a shit? When Hollywood churns out innumerable multi-million dollar movies every month, with nary a break or a modicum of sense between them, it devalues the whole enterprise. Only more so if so much of the output is total dreck, like Love Guru or Meet Dave or The Mummy 3.

Instead, each new product begins to flow into itself and into the others, like the colours in a children’s water painting, and soon it all turns to muck. Which, frankly, is the point at which a soulless husk of stupidity like Beverly Hills Chihuahua can make it to the number one spot on the box office – not only Stateside, but also on our shores. My fellow Africans, I ask you: what the fucking fuck?

So rather than combing through the year’s release schedules, trying to find one worthwhile movie, I’ve simply thought long and hard (okay, 15 minutes) about the movie experiences that stick out in my memory. (more…)

Best of ’08 : Putting the “Festive” back into “Festive Season”

Posted in YTAH by YTAH on December 23, 2008
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A new fan of metal.

A new fan of metal.

I’ve never been much of a metal fan, but I’ve been introduced to a wide selection over this last year, courtesy of the X-Fest and the HorrorFest, where I scored some nifty freebies by attending every goddamn screening possible. Thanks to said freebies, and lots of time spent hanging out with Pinvictor, I’ve discovered that I actually like metal – as long as it’s melodic. By the same token, I find that while I listen to both classical music and metal, I simply can’t abide it when they’re combined. Call it misplaced purism, but it bugs the shit out of me. Female vocals are okay, Midnattsol, but I draw the line at a full-on orchestra and operatic vocals (we’re looking at you, Nightwish and Hollenthon).

So counting down from 10, here is my list of the best new albums from 2008. I recommend you enqueue all of these albums and press Shuffle, for a DIY festive season mix that kicks the shit out of your average pop idol, waits for them to recover and then kicks the shit out of them again. (more…)

Can you believe this shit? Part II.

Posted in humour,religion,satire,YTAH by YTAH on December 17, 2008
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People come up with some pretty outlandish explanations to justify their actions and beliefs. Regardless of how illogical, distasteful, or ridiculous it may be, some jackass will try to sell you their particular brand of horseshit even as the SWAT vans pull up to the curb and helicopters begin to circle overhead.

Take religious people. Believers from various belief systems and denominations will happily insist that they possess incontrovertible, scientific proof of God’s existence. Of course, if you press them for more evidence than “aren’t flowers pretty” and “what are the odds” etc., you should be prepared for all kinds of outrageous rationalisations. Fortunately for you, we here at africans.co.za are logic fascists, and we’ve put together this handy “Fuck You Religious Whackos” guide, which we are giving you access to entirely free of charge.

“It came out of the sky!”

Believers – or as we like to call them around here, “fucktards” – may try to fob off the fundamental questions of existence with this old stand-by: “You can’t see the wind, but you can see its effect, right? Ja, well, God’s like that.” As if that explains anything. What does that even mean? God is hot air which rises, thereby creating a vacuum and pulling in cold air behind it? Why does that mean I’m not allowed to eat pork, or wear clothes of mixed fibres, or covet my neighbour’s ass? I mean, have you seen my neighbour’s ass? I’d tap that! And then I’d fuck it, but that’s just me. (more…)

News That Features Monkeys: Fun facts about mooning

Posted in humour,journalism,satire by YTAH on December 12, 2008
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Not many people know this, but the act of mooning originated as a show of respect among bonobo monkeys. At some point in their evolution, younger males started approaching the troop leader, turning their backs to them, and laying their arms on the ground as a sign of submission. Gradually it became custom for the troop leader to acknowledge the gesture by mounting the lesser males and initiating mock intercourse.

Needless to say, this peculiar custom can lead to difficulties wherever humans come into contact with this species. Last year alone, six Canadian tourists tragically lost their virginity to overeager troop leaders (frustrated for years by the lack of females in their enclosures) while mooning caged monkeys in south-east Asia.

So how did the act of mooning turn into the full-cheeked insult it has become today? (more…)

Suicide? Don’t Make Me Laugh.

Posted in rants,satire,YTAH by YTAH on November 18, 2008
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Now I know what you’re thinking: “YTAH, you heartless fuck, what the hell is the matter with you? You’re not going to make fun of those unfortunate souls who are so despondent that they consider death only as a sweet, sweet release? Are you really that much of a cunt?” To which my answer is: yes, yes I am. And yes, that’s exactly what I’m about to do, because suicide is stupid, and stupid things make me laugh. (more…)

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