YTAH's Weblog

Headline news: “Never a truer word…”

Posted in humour,journalism,politics,queer (gay),rants,satire by YTAH on December 3, 2009

Nevermind truth in advertising, whatever happened to truth in journalism? Sigh. Why don’t we see more headlines like this? If only.

Jon Qwelane Wants You to Take Him Seriously.

Posted in queer (gay),satire by YTAH on July 29, 2008
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If you’ve read Jon Qwelane’s column in the Noonday Sun, or whatever it’s called, you’ll know that he wants you to call him names. (He says so in his title: “Call me names, but gay is NOT okay”.) So please, call him anything you like. Write him letters; phone him at home; start Facebook petitions called “Jon Qwelane is an ignorant cunt who should be stoned to death with hunks of dried-up cowshit”. I’m sure he won’t mind. (Actually, I’m not sure if that’s exactly what he meant. After all, I’m gay, so I’m only half-human anyway. Maybe I misunderstood. Oh well. Time to take a breather, so I may as well break out the frilly pink thong, high heels, and make-up, and go shopping for gay porn.)

John Q PublicSpazzwank, clitwort, fucktard: Any name will do.

Once you’ve read the article, you may also know a little about Jon’s beliefs. For instance, you would know that “wrong is wrong!”, and that he will under no circumstances “write letters to the [Human Rights Commission] explaining [his] thoughts”. When you read this, you may think something derogatory, like “You’ve never had any ‘thoughts’, you miserable twat”. Or perhaps you thought, “What a queer little man.” But if you did, you would be wrong. Because this column is satire. Didn’t pick that up? That’s because you haven’t read it with all due care and attention. Confused? Don’t worry. Despite my homosexuality and the obvious disadvantages that this entails, I shall endeavour to clarify this, after which I shall obligingly go away and change my sexual orientation to something more in line with my colleague’s unsullied moral standards.


Rock Frottage

Posted in queer (gay),rants by YTAH on July 16, 2008
Tags: , , ,

I’m sure by now you’ve started to wonder exactly what it is I do when I’m not writing this column. That is, apart from harbouring grudges, attending film festivals, and vandalizing the Wikipedia entry for Tom Hanks. Well, as you may know from previous columns, five days out of seven (barring public holidays, illnesses of various descriptions, and any other pretext I can dream up on the day), I go to something that government forms and credit applications like to refer to as my “place of employment”, in order to do what my employers like to call “work” but which is more accurately described as “wasting time in various ways while waiting for payday to come around so I can fuel my caffeine-and-red-meat habit”. Of course I also do this because I need to make a living, since nobody’s paying me to write these articles, you know (and you, my dear readers, are getting what you pay for, and far more than you deserve). However, the main reason I do so is so that I can afford to go to bars, movies, and concerts, which I do as often as superhumanly possible.

Nevermind the BollocksStill, defacing Wikipedia pages is full-time work, and occasionally there are cultural events I miss out on. Now, as a rule I prefer to enjoy any movies that may have escaped me in the relative privacy (and quiet) of my home, and thus free from the annoyances of brainless, inbred assholes who have trouble following the most predictable of storylines despite having seen this derivative shit 10,000 times before (and yes, that’s a movie reference). However, I do occasionally venture out to enjoy these events in public, despite the actual public’s inevitable attendance at these things. I particularly enjoy going to live concerts, because while there is a certain amount of satisfaction in seeing a well-made film on the big screen, this is dwarfed by the pleasures of seeing a decent band performing live, or a shitty band humiliating themselves. (more…)