YTAH's Weblog


Headline news: “Never a truer word…”

Posted in humour,journalism,politics,queer (gay),rants,satire by YTAH on December 3, 2009

Nevermind truth in advertising, whatever happened to truth in journalism? Sigh. Why don’t we see more headlines like this? If only.
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Talking to the Dead (Beat)

Posted in humour,satire,YTAH by YTAH on June 13, 2009
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Remember that guy on TV, used to have a show on SABC3 where he pretends to commune with one of the guest’s dead relatives/friends/pets? Ever wonder what happened to him? (Except, you know, going into the interminable rerun loop that local TV loves so much.)

No doubt you’ve been lying awake nights, wishing, praying, and sobbing for an answer. Well, wonder no more. Due to the kind of snafu perpetuated daily by the postal service, we accidentally received a transcript of the last (unaired) show.

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A Letter of Resignation

Posted in humour,rants,work by YTAH on March 12, 2009

To my boss

Regarding our amiable conversation this morning. I believe you mentioned that I arrived late. Oh, was I late this morning? Thank you for letting me know! Gosh, you’re useful. A talking human clock. So that’s why you get the big money. You can tell what the time is and when I arrive? How very informative. Thanks – thank you for telling me that I was late, as opposed to being on time, or early, or in outer space. Wow. The summit of human accomplishment, you are. Your logic circuits alone must weigh a ton. (Pity the wiring’s a bit rusty, but I suppose disuse will do that.) (more…)

CRIME: Legalize it and it will go away.

Posted in humour,satire by YTAH on February 19, 2009
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Mary Wanna, ek het jou lief.

Mary Wanna, ek het jou lief.

Lots of people in this country complain about crime. But let’s face it: we actually like some of the crime. There is some crime, for example, that you only get around here. And yeah, I think that we ought to, you know, be proud of what we’ve achieved: we’ve given the world whole new kinds of crime – we’re famous for it. And that’s an amazing accomplishment, if you think about it. And I think about it a lot, especially when I’m enjoying some of the finest crime in the world. (more…)

Welcome to 2000-and-Why-Do-We-Give-A-Fuck.

Posted in humour,journalism by YTAH on January 21, 2009
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2009 American Inauguration Special.

Welcome back fuckers, and say hello to the 21st of January 2009, the first day that the world woke up to an African-American running the White House. In my previous post, I mentioned Barack Obama’s election victory in the U.S. as, well, one of the positive changes we could look forward to in 2009. This was just over three weeks ago, when 2009 still seemed like such a promising year, full of potential and sweetness yet to be savoured.

But having been back at work for just over two weeks, I realize that my optimism may have been a tad premature. (more…)

Can you believe this shit? Part II.

Posted in humour,religion,satire,YTAH by YTAH on December 17, 2008
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People come up with some pretty outlandish explanations to justify their actions and beliefs. Regardless of how illogical, distasteful, or ridiculous it may be, some jackass will try to sell you their particular brand of horseshit even as the SWAT vans pull up to the curb and helicopters begin to circle overhead.

Take religious people. Believers from various belief systems and denominations will happily insist that they possess incontrovertible, scientific proof of God’s existence. Of course, if you press them for more evidence than “aren’t flowers pretty” and “what are the odds” etc., you should be prepared for all kinds of outrageous rationalisations. Fortunately for you, we here at africans.co.za are logic fascists, and we’ve put together this handy “Fuck You Religious Whackos” guide, which we are giving you access to entirely free of charge.

“It came out of the sky!”

Believers – or as we like to call them around here, “fucktards” – may try to fob off the fundamental questions of existence with this old stand-by: “You can’t see the wind, but you can see its effect, right? Ja, well, God’s like that.” As if that explains anything. What does that even mean? God is hot air which rises, thereby creating a vacuum and pulling in cold air behind it? Why does that mean I’m not allowed to eat pork, or wear clothes of mixed fibres, or covet my neighbour’s ass? I mean, have you seen my neighbour’s ass? I’d tap that! And then I’d fuck it, but that’s just me. (more…)

News That Features Monkeys: Fun facts about mooning

Posted in humour,journalism,satire by YTAH on December 12, 2008
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Not many people know this, but the act of mooning originated as a show of respect among bonobo monkeys. At some point in their evolution, younger males started approaching the troop leader, turning their backs to them, and laying their arms on the ground as a sign of submission. Gradually it became custom for the troop leader to acknowledge the gesture by mounting the lesser males and initiating mock intercourse.

Needless to say, this peculiar custom can lead to difficulties wherever humans come into contact with this species. Last year alone, six Canadian tourists tragically lost their virginity to overeager troop leaders (frustrated for years by the lack of females in their enclosures) while mooning caged monkeys in south-east Asia.

So how did the act of mooning turn into the full-cheeked insult it has become today? (more…)

After-Life? Over My Dead Body.

Posted in humour,religion,satire by YTAH on November 18, 2008
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Heaven gets a lot of good publicity that I don’t think is justified. Greeting-card companies, religious organizations, and the rest of the entertainment industry have been exploiting all things heaven-related for so long that the idea fills the populace with warm happy feelings, rather than scaring the bejeezus out of them. Somehow, while we weren’t being vigilant, the world devolved to this appalling state, where images of fat angelic cherubs wielding harps can warm the cockles of the most hardened TV or movie executive’s heart, instead of filling them with bile and revulsion. What gives? How has it come to this? (more…)

HorrorFest: Premature Post-Mortem

Posted in humour,movies,reviews by YTAH on November 18, 2008
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Having attended most of the HorrorFest so far, on AtraBilious and DocBenway’s recommendation, I’ve come to certain conclusions. Firstly, all horror movies are made on a budget scraped together by selling the director’s furniture in a garage sale, stealing it back from the suckers who paid good money for some asshole’s shit on the side of the road, and then reselling the furniture to a bona fide pawn shop. That’s if the films are any good at all. The higher the budget, the more seriously everybody takes themselves – which makes sense, because there’s so much more to lose. But this also means that everybody immediately forgets that ultimately all horror movies are based on a premise that is incredibly and deeply silly. (For an example of which, see Dark Reel with Lance Henriksen and Edward “Lay Off the Fucking Cocaine” Furlong.) (more…)

Ah, Poetry.

Posted in humour,poetry by YTAH on September 24, 2008
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From the pit of despair
To the brink of destruction—
Progress, still.

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