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Headline news: “Never a truer word…”

Posted in humour,journalism,politics,queer (gay),rants,satire by YTAH on December 3, 2009

Nevermind truth in advertising, whatever happened to truth in journalism? Sigh. Why don’t we see more headlines like this? If only.

Temporary setback for gay-marriage rights in N.Y. State Senate

Thursday, December 3, 2009

NEW YORK — Anti-gay bigots prematurely celebrated a temporary success in the New York State Senate, where a proposal to legalize the perfectly sensible concept of same-sex marriage was defeated 38 to 24 on Wednesday, due solely to the power of a persistent and irrational fear of gay people.

The unexpectedly wide margin was delivered in a relatively liberal state (which TOTALLY makes New York, like, the new California). The vote prompted premature pronouncements that the momentum for gay marriage had been not only halted, but reversed. “It signals the end of the idea that you can pass humane, intelligent laws democratically, especially if it requires  people to put the needs of other people above their own prejudices,” said the leader of one such Bigot Pride organization. “I guess this proves that compassion and logic are no match for unremitting hatred and selfishness, especially when you have a bunch of demagogues and plutocrats to throw in the way of progress.”

Sensible non-bigots were taken aback by the sheer magnitude of the senate’s short-sightedness, but insisted that the results clarified the realpolitik behind the issue. In an official response, a spokesman for the Empire State Building Is A Gigantic Fucking Phallus In The Middle Of Our City, People, Srsly, How Could Have You Never Have Noticed This? said, “We have long called for a public debate on this matter so we could determine who was truly on our side, as opposed to just being full of shit like that do-nothing Obama guy.” Veering off from the prepared statement he was reading, the spokesperson – covered in glitter make-up and wearing a bouffant wig that was a life-size replica of Sarah Jessica Parker – continued, “If you cannot support us, we’ll find candidates who do. Now we know who doesn’t… and we’re coming for you, you fucking pissants.”

Anti-gay bigots said they’d spin it to the press as if New York lawmakers heeded the outcome of a similar ballot measure in Maine, but that everyone knew what really happened: a bunch of well-organized uber-bigots successfully bullied a bunch of pansy-ass Macho Men who call themselves “traditional values” politicians, thereby proving once again that femme dykes and guys who take it up the ass are way more butch than god-fearin’, gun-totin’ douchebags.

“We though they were short at least five votes, but we did not expect that there would be so many fucking cowards in that senate”, said Mary HuffnPuffnStuff, leader of How Dare Those Fags Have More Fulfilled Lives And Be Prettier Than Me, one of the more virulent hate groups. “Guess they’re not so big without their asses greased with the sauce from the Conservative Christian Values gravy train. Pussies. We totally own each of their asses.”

“I think Upstate Democrats had to be feeling the heat on this deal, too,” said Gay Son McQueer, executive director of New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms For Ourselves Exclusively, And Fuck Everyone Who Doesn’t Live EXACTLY The Way We Tell Them To, a lobby that represents many bigot churches. “New York 23 really showed that fucktardation is not dead on either side of the political divide.”

The National Organization for TRADITIONAL Marriage, Like God Meant It To Be, Where Closeted Guys Marry Straight Women Who Hate Sex Because They Were Always Told How Being Sexual Was Dirty And Not What Good Girls Did, was even more explicit. The organization warned ahead of the vote that it would raise at least 500K in “bigot dollars” to defeat any Republican senator who dared to think for themselves or consider how their vote would affect the lives of their constituents, as opposed to just giving in to threats from people you wouldn’t trust to wipe their asses after taking a dump for fear of brushing their hands against their “dirty place”. The heading on the group’s news release read: “Vote against Gay Marriage or We Will Fund Some Inbred, Illiterate Fuckwad Who Will Do Exactly As We Say Regardless of How Ridiculously Leotarded It Is.”

The group said they spent $600,000 opposing the effort, mostly on robo-calls in districts of senators thought to be on the fence, because really, who can tell the difference between a living human being and the unfeeling, soulless husks that make up their anti-gay bigot constituency?

HuffnPuffnStuff said, “This helps us fuck over the queers in New Hampshire, too,” where a coalition that includes Catholic bishops – who valiantly took time out from raping children and protecting pedophiles from prosecution – will attempt to penalize loving, committed couples in that state, simply because they don’t share the socio-biological accident of the bigots’ sexual orientation. “We might even ruin families in Vermont,” she added.

Fortunately, however, despite the bigots’ virulence, same-sex marriage is still legal in Iowa, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Connecticut, and becomes legal in New Hampshire on Jan. 1. Happy New Year, Fags! (And the gods bless every one.)

This was the news, as brought to you by YTAH. (I like my version better…)

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