YTAH's Weblog


An Beautiful Poem. In honour of Horrorfest ’09.

Posted in Uncategorized by YTAH on November 5, 2009

“Bite Me (The Rabies Song)”

(With apologies to Flight of the Conchords.)

Yeah baby.

Come on if you think you're hard enough.

“How much is that doggie in the window?”

It’s free.

It’s got rabies.

It bit me.

Now I’ve got rabies.

If you come into my shop I’ll bite you and give you rabies.

So come into my shop if you want to get rabies.

Come on if you think you’re hard enough.

Free rabies with every dog.

It’s a once in a lifetime offer.

 

Man, I’ve got a headache.

Say, could you hand me that tall glass of water?

I’m getting kinda thirsty in here.

And while I’m foaming at the mouth, would you

Hand me that razor on the desk?

No sense in wasting good foam.

And if you keep annoying me, I could slit my wrists.

My god you’re annoying.

If I could still move my arm I’d come over there and slap you.

Wait, does my arm look hairy to you?

It wasn’t this hairy this morning.

My palms weren’t so hairy this morning, either.

Hmmm. Maybe my parents were right.

Perhaps I’m turning into a werewolf.

If I were a werewolf, I’d come over there and slap you.

I can’t believe I got rabies working in a pet store.

I can’t believe I’m still working in a pet store.

It was supposed to be a summer job.

Say, is it getting hot in here?

God, I could really use a drink about now.

Could you pass me another glass of water?

There’s no more water?

Damn. Just my luck.

You want to give me a what?

You want to give me a shot?

Sorry, I don’t drink spirits.

Say, you wouldn’t have any rabies shots?

I dunno – vodka, Tabasco and a lime wedge, I guess.

Ha ha.

Wait, no, not frothy enough.

Let’s see.

Something with egg white.

Beer is pretty frothy…

Don’t you have any beer?

Nevermind, I brought my own froth.

Who knew rabies gives good head?

Er, wait, no, I don’t think I’ll drink that.

Is that Tabasco?

Only, it looks like diarrhoea.

I don’t think I’ll have that drink now.

What’s this? You think I’ve got en… syphilitis?

And my dog … my dog has it too?

You’re saying my dog has syphilis?

God, who gave my dog syphilis?

Someone fucked my dog, and now my dog has fucking syphilis.

You people make me sick!

Oh wait, what’s that?

You mean I’ve got … inflammation of the brain?

That’s a relief.

It explains the talking groundhog, at least.

Ha ha, just kidding. Nothing explains a groundhog that’s as big as a house.

It’s not just my brain that is swelling…

It’s all getting a bit hard to swallow.

But who’s gonna take care of my dog now?

Oh, he’s stopped spasming.

Twenty minutes ago he was humping my leg.

Then he got rabies and died.

My dog got rabies from humping my leg.

What the fuck is up with that?

Come into my shop and hump my leg if you want to get rabies.

Or you can come over here and bite me.

Yeah.

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