YTAH's Weblog

Election ’09: YTAH weighs in

Posted in politics by YTAH on April 20, 2009

Once upon a time, an upcoming election was both a daunting prospect and a moral imperative. Which party should you vote for? Which set of politicians had South Africa’s interests most at heart? Where would they lead our country, and who would benefit and who would suffer?

It’s been a long time since our famously free-and-fair elections in ’94. Nothing much has changed, if you think about it. The poor are still among us, begging for handouts, crapping on our pavements, and stealing our shit; the rich are still demanding tax breaks, pissing on the less powerful, and redistributing wealth into their own pockets; and the ever-expanding middle class continues to snipe jealously at everybody from behind their Vibracrete-and-barbed-wire walls. Only now, of course, there are more black and coloured people in the ‘burbs – and maybe 3 more black guys at the country club.

Viva democracy. Viva the free market. Remember with self-satisfaction the struggle of your forefathers, gloat about where it got you, and fuck anyone who even looks like they’re trying to take your shit.

Again. What’s new?

Opposition? What opposition?

For one thing, no more NP – and no NNP either, which tried to sell itself as the Nicer™ National Party. Also, no DP any more. Oh no: now it’s the DA, some mutant bastard “special needs” offspring of the incestuous relations of the power-hungry ineptitude that was the so-called Democratic Party and the skulking, spineless remnants of the Nats – you know, the ones who didn’t join the ANC. (Yep, my Nazi-loving forefathers are still stuck in the spin cycle over that one.)

Now, as much as I’d like to focus on the Nats and how much of a fuck-up they were (God, is there no end to their fuckheadedness?), there’s a scarier elephant in the room. And by “scary” I mean not at all imposing and more closely resembling a bag of wet rats. Surely, the DA must be one of the least effective opposition parties since the Conservatives decided not to contest the ’94 elections and in so doing locked themselves out of Parliament. (Well done, Ferdi! Darwinism at its finest.)

The HelenAtor: J'Oppose!

The HelenAtor: J'Oppose!

Despite their rabid pitbull of a head mistress, the DA comes across more like your aunt’s prize Pekingese abandoned outside overnight, barking at every shadow in the vain hope that somebody will let it back indoors. Still, you must admire their persistence, I suppose. Christ, they’ll oppose anything. Whatever the ANC suggests, they’ll suggest the opposite. If somebody else proposed the exact same measures they did today, tomorrow their party’s charter would be rewritten entirely – that’s how dedicated an opposition they are.

They’re so committed to contrariness that the best they’ve come up with, when asked why you should vote for them, is so that they can “STOP ZUMA!”. I’d prefer if the doomed underdog at least showed some fucking pluck, like when the Happy Hippy Flower Committee sent Stalin their famous Let’s All Hug And Promise Not to Say Anything Hurtful Ever Again letter in ’37.

Not that COPE is much better. After all, it’s basically the Mbeki ANC Redux – you know, the guys who brought you the unmitigated disaster that is 15 years of AIDS denialism, failure to address deepening socio-economic inequality, and general inability to remove their heads from their asses. Fuck ’em. I wouldn’t vote for them if they promised to turn Julius Malema into a girl and make him service rabid assholes with unwashed, uncircumcised cocks for the rest of his life. Come to that, I’d rather vote for the ACDP, those self-appointed guardians of public morals and imposers of mindless dogma. Fortunately, all is not lost. There’s also the Vryheidsstront, I mean, the “Freedom Front Plus”. Now there’s a group of highly enlightened mouth-breathers if ever I saw one. They cling desperately to the idea that “their” people can exist in this country in some strange kind of racially-pure stasis, like a boil eternally filling with pus and yet never bursting. And why? So they can vouchsafe a culture based entirely on overweight retards spending every Saturday swigging beer and getting worked up about a bunch of sweaty men in short pants groping one another in a field.

And the winner is…

Which brings us to the ANC, the people who got us here from that high-water mark in ’94. When you look at their policies regarding housing, crime, corruption, infrastructure, and job creation, you can begin to understand the DA’s problem. If you want to bill yourself as “the opposition”, whoever you’re opposing must take some kind of stand first. So far the ANC’s strategy amounts to keeping their internal politics in the headlines and their leaders out of jail. So far this doesn’t look to change any time soon, which means that the two parties will remain frenemies for some time to come.

So where do we go to but nowhere?

Which leaves us with what, exactly? When your choice is between hypocrites, liars, thieves, and cunts, what is the right thing to do? Voting in South Africa right now is like having to decide which lunatic should run the asylum.

The ruling party has reached critical mass, and it’s bound to implode sometime. The opposition, meanwhile, is running around like so many headless chickens. If you’re pinning all your Great White Hopes on any of those fuckups, I have bad news for you. They have less chance of winning the election than when Richard Nixon ran against John Fucking Kennedy. Of course, as their supporters will be quick to point out, they’re not even trying to win the election (just as well, ha-ha): but even so, they can barely crack 15%. When your opponent is a wounded behemoth who’s had its brain removed and replaced with a high school dropout, and you still can’t win, you know you’re a real loser.

You want my vote? I got my vote right here, motherfucker…

Perhaps next year I’ll start my own KISS-style protest party. Only, instead of some batshit crazy-looking old biddy, my campaign posters will be of Jesus giving you the finger, with the slogan, “Make yours a vote of No Confidence.” (Catchy, innit?)

The No Confidence party: 2013!

The No Confidence party: 2013!

In the meantime, there’s only one viable option for a right-thinking human being, apart from voting for the IFP. (Hey, at least that way you aren’t voting for “the white guy”, and you’ll piss of Malema no end. And since I live in the Western Cape, there’s no chance that they’d actually win here. Not to mention that, if Buthelezi regains prominence, nobody would want to become a politician, lest they’re subjected to one of his famously convoluted speeches. God I miss that guy.)

But let’s suppose you don’t want to vote for a party that doesn’t stand a chance in hell. (Thank you, Helen.) Why not enter that voting booth on Wednesday and make yourself count in the only way that makes any sense: spoil your ballot. That’s certainly what I intend to do.

So if you’re waiting in line for hours on end, and you’re getting annoyed at the asshole who refuses to emerge from the booth they entered three hours ago, take a deep breath, grab a seat, and relax. It’s probably me. I’ll be in there, defacing the image of every motherfucker on the ballot whose values, incompetence, and lack of balls offends my moral principles. I expect to be in there a pretty long time.


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