YTAH's Weblog

A Letter of Resignation

Posted in humour,rants,work by YTAH on March 12, 2009

To my boss

Regarding our amiable conversation this morning. I believe you mentioned that I arrived late. Oh, was I late this morning? Thank you for letting me know! Gosh, you’re useful. A talking human clock. So that’s why you get the big money. You can tell what the time is and when I arrive? How very informative. Thanks – thank you for telling me that I was late, as opposed to being on time, or early, or in outer space. Wow. The summit of human accomplishment, you are. Your logic circuits alone must weigh a ton. (Pity the wiring’s a bit rusty, but I suppose disuse will do that.)

You’re a goddamn technological marvel, that’s what you are. The only way you could be more useful is if you could keep track of all the other times I’ve been late and rub my face in it whenever I arrive at work even a minute past the start of my designated timeslot. Wait, you can? My god, your usefulness never ends! It’s just my luck that you are also capable of sending me an e-mail every time I am late, to remind me of all the previous times I was also late. Because Christ knows, if there’s something I love, it’s being reminded of that time three years ago when I arrived at 8.37, during the hurricane of ’04, every day of my life. What a cunt I am for being late and making you wait on such a regular basis.

What’s that? I’m late with my work, as well? That extremely urgent project you’ve had planned for months, on which the entire future of the company depends? The one that the clients have told us will make or break us, not only in this town, but the industry? The one that requires an additional 50 staff members to complete properly, the 50 staff members the HR department hasn’t hired or trained because nobody told them about it, the HR department that doesn’t exist because you never thought we needed one? The project you only told me about three days ago, two days after you fired three dozen of our existing staff – that one?

I do apologize. I realize that the imminent failure of this essential project is entirely my doing, for which crime I happily tender my resignation.

That said, may I just take this opportunity to congratulate you once again on the stellar job you’ve done in your position as company overlord, I mean manager. By valiantly taking the path of least resistance, by dismissing the facts and embracing wishful thinking, by refusing to compromise your bonus for worker equity or logic for expedience, in every single instance regardless of the odds or contradictory advice, you have successfully dragged this once-magnificent company kicking and screaming to the brink of collapse.

My Boss, Employee of the Month

The Burning Black Hole, A.K.A. Employee of the Month.

Words alone could not to express my admiration for this accomplishment, which must surely be beyond compare. It would require a cataclysmic event to encapsulate in all its glories. Bravo! If every business in the world were represented by a single astronomical object, this company would be Galaxy OJ 287, and you would be the supermassive black hole at our centre.

I was particularly impressed by your response to the global economic downturn, or meltdown, or whatever the hell we’re calling it now. Contacting the Army Surplus store and replacing our already low-grade toilet paper with an even cheaper variety, to encourage people not to waste valuable company time by expelling in the bathroom cubicle what they are forced to process at their work stations? Brilliant. Insisting that the people who have to leave home before dawn to drive to the backwater outpost you’ve chosen as the new location for our business must stop drinking coffee or tea or having breakfast at work, so that instead of functioning at peak performance levels they fall asleep at their desks or become so light-headed as to be practically comatose? Absolute genius. Buying the cheapest, loudest, and least effective vacuum cleaner, so that employees are forced to waste hours in the kitchen waiting for the noise to reach mere industrial levels instead of taking a break at their cubicles, to discourage them from wasting company resources by checking the news online? Priceless.

My Boss, Servant of the Beast

My Boss, Servant of the Beast

I was more than gratified to have my suspicions confirmed. I always knew you couldn’t run a company if it consisted of a rabbit and a duck, even if all you needed to do was get the rabbit to fuck and the duck to shit everywhere and make a racket. You’d probably waste all your time trying to force the duck to mate with the rabbit or trying to find a sporting goods store that sells a racquet that shits itself.

I will be eternally grateful for my experiences at this establishment, as nothing in this world or any version of eternal damnation known to theology could compare to the misery and suffering I have had to endure in your company. For this I thank you from my very bowels.

I wish you and your human resources-free, well-timed, mission-critical scrapheap of a company the very best of luck without me. May your children curse your heritage and diarrhetic cats shit on your grave. Rot in hell, you odious toad.

Yours truly, asshole.

PS. No managers were harmed in the making of this diatribe. Not yet, anyway.
[Originally published on, on March 12, 2009.]


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