YTAH's Weblog

CRIME: Legalize it and it will go away.

Posted in humour,satire by YTAH on February 19, 2009
Tags: , ,
Mary Wanna, ek het jou lief.

Mary Wanna, ek het jou lief.

Lots of people in this country complain about crime. But let’s face it: we actually like some of the crime. There is some crime, for example, that you only get around here. And yeah, I think that we ought to, you know, be proud of what we’ve achieved: we’ve given the world whole new kinds of crime – we’re famous for it. And that’s an amazing accomplishment, if you think about it. And I think about it a lot, especially when I’m enjoying some of the finest crime in the world.

Some fine street crime

Some fine street crime

In Cape Town, for instance, you can procure perfectly delightful crime on practically every street corner. Another thing I like is the way that crime here is cheaper than anywhere else – it’s so affordable, you can even take some home to share with your friends! I mean, if I wanted to get the same crime in, say, the U.K., or the States, I’d have to pay, you know, at least double what I pay here. At least.

Myself, I think cheaper crime ought to be part of my civil rights. Not to mention the fact that, some crime, you get caught in the U.S., you might even go to jail. (California’s prisons are so full they’re letting people back out again. Not the druggies, mind you; just parole breakers.) That’s nothing like here, where the worst that could happen is that maybe you have to pay the cop a bribe and then he’d like, let you off with a warning. Sometimes, you even come out of prison a hero! Just like most of Parliament.

Which is why I don’t think we need to hire more police officers. It may solve the problem of street-crime, okay, but it’s the wrong problem. Also, it fails to apply the Big Picture thinking that we need right now. The problem isn’t the crime, it’s that crime is so difficult to get hold of. Also, there’s not enough of it to go around.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another, you know? Every few years there’s a massive drought, and then every three months or so you hear about some big raid that’s stopped a bunch of criminals with some primo crime on their hands. And even when we’re not at the mercy of climate change, then those selfish xenophobes in the townships attack harmless Nigerian families, including some of the most efficient purveyors of crime. I mean, what the fuck, man? Where am I supposed to get my portion of crime now? When is my shit going to come in?

That’s why I say, don’t complain about crime – encourage it. We should take civic pride in our crime. After all, it’s why lots of people come to this country, and why so many people come back or end up staying.

So I think our new government should embrace crime the same way that we’ve embraced tourism, and encourage all good citizens to do the same. Because god knows we need more rich American and European visitors coming to this country, bringing their wonderfully inflated “crime dollars” to stimulate local trade and industry – particularly with global markets and consumer confidence in the state they’re in.

What better way to lure these disappointed and oppressed foreigners to our shores than by offering them access to the kind of crime they could only dream of getting back home? And if we get a just few extra “crime tourists” a year, we could totally feed, like, seventy poor people a month. Minimum.

Now, you’d think that Government would want to show ingenuity, and actively encourage this kind of lateral thinking and problem-solving, what with it being an election year and all. But does government embrace this extremely practical approach? No. Instead, they intend to unfairly burden our already overworked police force even further by criminalizing the sale of alcohol in shebeens, bed-and-breakfast venues, and other such hotbeds of vice.

1354_03-cantweI ask you – does that make any kind of sense? I mean, what’s happening here? Have I suddenly turned into a Moslem? This is a Christian country, goddammit, and as any true Christian could tell you, the easy availability of alcohol has always been one of the primary consolations for living under such a ridiculous system of belief. Do you have any idea how many bottles of spirits I need to cope with continuously being bombarded by high-handed proponents of such strict and backward morality? More than ten, I can guarantee you.

Isn’t it enough that we’ve outlawed prostitution? Marijuana? Drunk driving? Aren’t our poor old understaffed flatfoots under enough pressure? Don’t they have their hands full fighting everything that’s already illegal? Isn’t it enough that they have to cope with co-workers who are incompetent, corrupt, untrustworthy, illiterate, bad-tempered, and underpaid?

Let’s waste less energy pretending to treat crime as illegal, and give more attention to the pressing need of our communities: providing a safe, accessible, and clearly demarcated crime point where tourists and locals alike can gather in order to get their fair share of crime.

We should welcome visitors, and encourage them to come to South Africa and get a taste of our delicious home-grown crime. Don’t quash the entrepreneurial spirit that we need so desperately in these times of global recession. Forget the soccer. Forget 2010. Forget roads, and infrastructure, and shebeens. I say, support South African Crime. It’s the right thing to do.

We thank you.


[Originally posted on, Wednesday, February 11, 2009.]


One Response to 'CRIME: Legalize it and it will go away.'

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  1. Let the free market system work. If people don’t want pot, they won’t buy it. Making it illegal doesn’t remove the want.

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