YTAH's Weblog

Can you believe this shit? Part II.

Posted in humour,religion,satire,YTAH by YTAH on December 17, 2008
Tags: ,

People come up with some pretty outlandish explanations to justify their actions and beliefs. Regardless of how illogical, distasteful, or ridiculous it may be, some jackass will try to sell you their particular brand of horseshit even as the SWAT vans pull up to the curb and helicopters begin to circle overhead.

Take religious people. Believers from various belief systems and denominations will happily insist that they possess incontrovertible, scientific proof of God’s existence. Of course, if you press them for more evidence than “aren’t flowers pretty” and “what are the odds” etc., you should be prepared for all kinds of outrageous rationalisations. Fortunately for you, we here at are logic fascists, and we’ve put together this handy “Fuck You Religious Whackos” guide, which we are giving you access to entirely free of charge.

“It came out of the sky!”

Believers – or as we like to call them around here, “fucktards” – may try to fob off the fundamental questions of existence with this old stand-by: “You can’t see the wind, but you can see its effect, right? Ja, well, God’s like that.” As if that explains anything. What does that even mean? God is hot air which rises, thereby creating a vacuum and pulling in cold air behind it? Why does that mean I’m not allowed to eat pork, or wear clothes of mixed fibres, or covet my neighbour’s ass? I mean, have you seen my neighbour’s ass? I’d tap that! And then I’d fuck it, but that’s just me.

Gods and their sport.

Gods and their sport.

I suppose it makes sense to worship some meteorological phenomenon. Humans have been trying to influence the weather since we could walk upright and lose ourselves in the middle of a hailstorm. Or celestial bodies: they were popular in the God stakes once. Makes sense: A rock from outer space hits your cousin and kills him – fine; I can see why you’d want to start praying to the Sky Gods to aim somewhere else next time they feel the urge to hurl great big boulders around.

Still, I sense a leap of logic here. Maybe if you prayed hard enough, the sky gods would hit your cousin Og’s house down the road instead of yours. And if that happens, maybe it’s because he refused to lend you his fire-sticks that time, okay. So you’ve got the beginnings of a system of morality right there. But surely things can’t keep going that way indefinitely. At some point, regardless of how much you pray, you’re going to be the one struck by lightning or floods or some other meteorological calamity. Which means you’re left praying to someone who sometimes smites evildoers, sometimes smites do-gooders, and generally leaves things pretty much exactly the way they were before anybody did any kind of praying whatsoever.

The origin of God

Granted, getting pummelled by all kinds of matter from the sky is unpleasant, but the point is that stars, weather patterns, and natural disasters are all physical phenomena which you can observe and examine. You can analyse them, postulate different reasons for them, and then test your hypotheses to see which one holds out. At least when the roof of your house gets blown off, you don’t need to take the existence of wind on faith. So there seems to be something remarkably thick-headed about just lying back and going: “Oh. Space gods,” without at least attempting some further investigation to figure out if they’re really there.

Why do we even want gods? Most people seem to conceive of God either as some a kind of cosmic guarantee, or as a scapegoat for everything that’s wrong. Both seem kind of, well, immature. Either you want somebody to blame for your fuck-ups, or you want the reassurance that somebody “out there” has a plan for your life – somebody who’s in control, even if you’re not. That’s why you also get people whose response to perfectly rational questions about things like suffering, ridiculous beliefs, etc. is the laughable sloganeering, “You may not believe in God, but God believes in you!” As empty rhetoric goes, that’s pretty pathetic. Now God is some Motivational Poster in the Sky? If he doesn’t exist, he can’t even believe in himself, so his opinion of me is irrelevant, don’t you think?

At any rate, this “consolation” of a god comes at an incredible price; and it’s not one I’m willing to pay. But how much of a consolation is it really, this idea of an almighty deity? If some omnipotent being created the universe as we know it, he’s obviously forgotten about it, or given it up as a bad job. Or maybe he’s realized what a bunch of pitiful wankers his creations have turned into, and is waiting for them to stop complaining before he comes around again. Either way, he sounds like a kid who got a puppy for Christmas and then lost interest. Can’t say I’m overly eager to take my “design for life” from an overgrown child.

Keep your crazy to yourself, KTHXBYE

Proof that morons exist.

God: Proof that morons exist.

Of course, I don’t mind if you’re insane. If you become convinced that the housecat formerly known as Whiskers is the personification of an almighty being that has been worshipped since the Ancient Incans, and that he demands a sacrifice in the form of a small human child, then please – go ahead. Only, kindly stop trying to inflict your insanity on me.

But while many people seem happy to believe in their special delusion, there are a select few who seem convinced that god only exists if they can convince you that he exists. Well, not so much Hindus and Buddhists. Buddhists generally are happier to leave science alone to do its thing; Hindus can’t be bothered to convert anybody, unless the Hindus in question are Hare Krishnas, or George Harrison. (Fucking Hare Krishnas.) Scientologists don’t believe in proselytizing to non-celebrities, since their god only wants people who are wealthy or famous. But you can bet that Jehovah’s Witnesses want to convince you. (They’re really convinced; you’d have to be, to go around like a vacuum salesman, knocking on people’s doors and generally making a cunt of yourself.) Meanwhile, the Zionists and the more militant Muslims don’t so much care which afterlife you go to, as long as you go there right now. And if you watch Bill Maher’s new film, Religulous, which started its local run recently, you’ll know that all Muslims are militant. (Just kidding, Muslims. Nice Muslim. I know there are exceptions, so put away that suicide vest, there’s a nice religious fundamentalist. Thirty extra virgins for you.*)

*Hey, just be glad I’m not defacing pictures of Muhammad – you know I want to.

So what’s your point, YTAH?

Okay, so maybe I’ve been “going on a bit” about religion these last few months. Death, the afterlife, the existence or non-existence of not one but many, many, many gods – these are all worthwhile subjects, but anyone can get burnt out on them. It’s tiresome repeating the same joke over and over again (as anyone who’s seen Religulous could tell you).

But now we are approaching Christmas, which is the season of giving – and taking, taking, taking. So I’ll end this tirade by quoting Kurt Vonnegut, another eminent satirist, who’ll be providing the weekly moral: “We are here on earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different.”

In the meantime, I’m off to celebrate a year of writing for Africans. I trust you’ll have an enjoyably irreligious end-of-year break. Mug a caroller for me.

Sayonara, bitches!

(If you enjoyed Part II, you’ll be happy to know that Part I – written by Pikes – is available here.)

[Originally posted on on Wednesday, December 17, 2008.]


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