YTAH's Weblog

Xenophobia Comes to Africans: Putting the Cunt in Country.

Posted in humour,satire by YTAH on July 21, 2008
Tags: , , ,

By this time you’re probably worried that today’s missive will be another diatribe on the state of song-writing, or that another of your musical heroes will receive a drubbing for what you consider works of magnificent art. Well, forget that. I had rather a good weekend, which meant that I was not even slightly in the mood to listen to depressing, inane, or downright ludicrous music (we’re looking at you, Bob). To be quite honest, I simply didn’t have the heart to torture myself – or you – that way, not for the fifth consecutive article. So rather than bashing another cultural hero, I decided to tackle a different, more insidious subject matter – if only so I didn’t have to listen to so much drivel.

You could hardly have missed all the recent news stories about the ongoing xenophobic attacks in this, our fair country. Indeed, one of our esteemed site owners has recently posted an opinion piece about it. Of course, being a writer for one of South Africa’s more popular sites, he’s had to be rather polite. I, on the other hand, have no such restrictions, or any such inclination. (Freedom of speech – don’t you just love it? Okay, not if you give it to cunts who can’t spell, or complete a single thought, or punctuate their sentences, but still. As a general type of idea, I mean.) You see, my xenophobia’s bigger than yours, and I’m here to prove it. So enough with the talking, and on with the lynching, shall we?

It seems that while we weren’t looking – perhaps in those brief moments when our attention was diverted by the sound of the plummeting rand, the rising inflation, and the brainfarts of the morons posting comments about the aforementioned story (see the link, above) – our entire country’s been overrun by, you guessed it, foreigners. According to the news stories, these people are taking jobs from more deserving people who could do the jobs better and more efficiently, they steal our women, and extort great deals of money from hard-working South Africans through their sly and knowing foreign ways. Now, I’m not talking about Nigerian drug lords, or even those rich European tourists who buy up Camps Bay, I’m talking of a scourge much, much worse.

First there was Celine.
Then there was James Blunt.
And now, for your extreme enjoyment,
The Backstreet Boys are coming to town!

Celine DionI shall swallow your souls!
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, if it wasn’t enough that Celine and James The Blunt have already extorted thousands of hard-earned rands from the gullible South African public through the underhanded extortionist’s trick of charging horrendous prices for their even more horrendous concerts, the enemies of taste have announced that they will now be sending their most feared emissaries to further insult our collective intelligence. (Although, granted, our collective intelligence doesn’t amount to all that much, if the comments on that message board I’ve mentioned is anything to go by.) So next month, it’s “Welcome the Backstreet Boys” – 33 1/3 brain cells between them, and they’re making more money than the entire Somali population now living in South Africa.

James Blunt doesn't like Celine eitherAesthetic Discretion Is Advised.
These dregs of subhuman society, these untalented, hyped-up scum, these cancerous outgrowths on the scrotum of pandering commercialism, are washing up on our shores like the debris from some ocean-going stink-fest, their titanic loathsomeness polluting the minds of our sun-worshipping locals, and throwing obstacles in the way of all right-thinking explorers of our cultural heritage. So why aren’t we throwing rocks at them, then? Why are we wasting valuable resources attacking people who have already been the victims of discrimination, when there are people much more worthy of being discriminated against?

Because you know, not all discrimination is unfair, you realize. Discrimination, in fact, simply means that you can draw distinctions between things, and evaluate them according to their merits. So tell me, please, what earthly merit there is in allowing such affronts to good music to cross over our borders, to come into our news rooms, and to parade across our stages, if we then fail to kill them? Why are we expending so much hatred against minimum-wage earning immigrants who send most of their minimal pay home, when these bleeding ulcers on the tongue of discretion enter our country in jewel-encrusted private planes and take up all the best beds in our most overrated hotels? Where, I ask you, is the justice in that?

CelineThere is no hell. There is only France… and French Canadia.
The people inflicting all the terrible violence that is being written about in the press are targeting these people because they are easy to get to. Now I have a certain sympathy with the plight of these poor undefended xenophobes, laziness being one of my primary enablers for continuing to write these articles. (Face it, bitching and hurling obscenities at passers-by on the great Internet High Way [and yes, I mean “high” in that way] is much more fun than working, or going to interviews for jobs that would actually pay me to do the same thing.) However, I’m afraid I cannot condone this current strategy. As much as I dislike paying someone thirty rand a month to protect my car from getting vandalized by the very people I’ve just paid money to, they do however fail to mutilate my car on a regular basis. These interlopers of which I speak, however, should never have been allowed to live past the age of 16, at which point their complete lack of talent and general disgusting propensity for self-aggrandizement should have already become patently obvious. The fact that they’ve been permitted to survive and become rich and famous is indicative of a grave and heinous failure on our parts, because they are an abomination and should never have managed such a crime against nature – by which of course I mean their continued existence.

Backstreet BoysThat Bad Taste’s Back, Alright: The Hellspawn.
But I have even worse news to report, dear reader. It seems that, in a bizarre science experiment worthy of a Hammer Horror-Peter Jackson co-production, the researchers at Bad Taste Incorporated have just completed an offensive genetic experiment that’s produced an even more terrifying creature, capable of incapacitating an entire Led Zeppelin-sized auditorium with a single blast. That’s right, my friends: they have allowed the artistic ass-worm-holes Celine Dion and James Blunt to mate and spawn progeny, and now their mutant lovechild is out to get you!

Celine, James, and BackstreetThe Injustice League: Coming to destroy a town near you!
Now, I could blame the ethically-challenged scientists of the BTI. I could blame the European immigrants and tourists, or refugees from other African states. But let us not play the blame game. Let us not look for scapegoats, or scape-cattle, or any other kind of livestock of culpability. Let us instead look for some way in which to cause these unwelcome interlopers the very same kind of pain to which they have subjected us to for years. Already I’ve heard calls for a resurrection of Robot Hitler (for which, see Pinvictor’s Opus, Parts 1 and 2). Personally, I think we should enlist the aid of some of the better, more deserving bands who’ve visited our shores, in our ongoing fight against the tyranny of shit. I see Celine Dion and James the Blunt versus New Model Army & Henry Rollins. Perhaps, once we develop the required revivification technology, we can resurrect the spirit of Frank Zappa, to come and destroy their tasteless horse manure for all eternity.

Then the rest of the fine members of our magnificent country can go on proving to the world that they are cunts in the security and knowledge that Celine’s heart will not, in fact, go on. Now, wouldn’t that be a better world? And remember, kids, it’s not a hate crime if you’re a cunt.

[Originally posted on on Tuesday, May 27, 2008.]


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