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‘We Call Upon the Author(s) to Explain.’

Posted in religion by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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Religion is for cunts. There, I said it. You may wonder why it’s taken me so long to get around to this subject; after all, religion is a relatively easy target, and I’m nothing if not willing to persecute the weak and the slow. Not to mention the fact that the church annually rakes in more money than most African nations will ever see in a generation, and thus much, much more than I earn in my menial job. (Okay, so I may have taken an oblique swipe at religion before, but that was, like, 3 months ago.) Perhaps it’s because for a while there, I had made peace with my loss of faith. Perhaps it had something to do with the realization (via David Hume) that faith is faith, reason is reason, and never the twain shall meet.

Happy Magic Candy Land.
And I have to admit, I was quite happy in my little make-believe world, where people of all faiths and delusions could live together happily in their mutual apathy towards one another. Of course, that’s until I ventured out beyond the borders of Happy Magic Candy Land into the realm of pure evil – in other words, that comments board I mentioned a few weeks ago. Here I was regaled for hours upon hours by the most unimaginative, irrational blather ever loosed from the bowels of inbred stupidity. For those of you who have not yet visited this site, beware: it’s the kind of place where wannabe-expats (the kind of people even Australia doesn’t want) get to express what they like to think of as “their opinion” but which is really just the unreconstructed pap they imbibed from the right tit of religious leaders and political opportunists. Religious whack jobs are annoying as fuck, and religious whackos who post on comment boards are worse. And since religion preys on people’s most knee-jerk, conservative, and alarmist instincts, you can rest assured that their “insights” into life, the universe, and everything resemble nothing so much as a blind ring-worm feeling its way around the excrement of a large ungulate and postulating the nature of their creator on this basis.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a quick sample, shall we? Consider, for example, the measured philosophical rejoinder to a complaint about religious content on television:

Please,get yourself a good job at a Brothel (Brother) It’s a definite Passway to Hell. (Come to think of it, you’d love’it).

Or this missive of greatness, which was posted apropos of a column decrying sport on TV:

Don’t u know that pornography and gay/lesbianism is wrong? Rather keep watching sport and learn some life lessons with regards to determination etc.

Anubis“Who is this great burdensome slavering dog-thing that mediocres my every thought?”
I mean, what the fuck? I spend six months trying to become as biased, short-sighted, and petty-minded as possible, and within 3 minutes these cunts have completely outdone the great YTAH! Good god. (Or bad god, as you like it.) And then there’s the kind of militant posturing they come up with when faced with the question of the death penalty or crime. Talk about ‘catastrophizing’: “How many people have murdered their own wives, children and parents only during this year.” I don’t know, mate, three? “I think your miss informed my friend. I think most people in south africa have went through some kind of trauma, Personally I dont know of anybody in my family that havent been gone through one the following where they were helled up at gun point, raped, sextually assulted, mugged, and even killed”. Sorry, but the only trauma I “have went through” is your atrocious fucking grammar. You are a fucking cunt and you should never be allowed outside on your own cognizance. “Its [sic.] really rich to complain about those who are fed up with crime – obviously u [sic.] have been lucky enough not to come home and find your parents raped and beaten to death by a hammer?” Remember, kids, hammers don’t rape and kill people – people with hammers rape and kill people.

Jesus costumeGet your own personal Jesus right here.
I have no end of examples. It appears that many people will gladly fall over themselves to proclaim their religion. Of course, they’ll only do so anonymously, and on comment boards that don’t publish people’s home addresses so that we may verily firebomb their houses. So to all those people, I’d like to say, congratulations for letting us all know that you are Christians. I’m sure we wouldn’t have been able to guess from your complete intolerance for anyone else or their point of view. Each of you is also, as your comments confirm, a fucking moron. I have yet to encounter a self-proclaimed Christian on one of these boards who seems to be even vaguely familiar with the sayings of this Jesus dude in any way, shape or form.

Now, what I find objectionable about religion isn’t the basic tenets of the faith, or their intolerance for “alternative lifestyles”, or even the ludicrous idea that there is some cosmic conspiracy to weed out the good from the bad, as if life were nothing more than a simple morality test. What I find objectionable is that the people who’ll hold forth about their faith seem to believe in a god who never disagrees with them. Whether they’re talking about gay marriage, abortion, the death penalty, gun control, or state-sponsored terrorism, you get the feeling their god would rather fuck himself in the ear with his own brother’s cock than argue with them, or support an alternative viewpoint, or advocate any degree of tolerance. So whether they are spouting forth from anonymous comment boards, the political platform, or tax-sponsored religious television programs, they are never less than completely willing to die for their right to masquerade their petty-mindedness in priestly robes.

Jesus statueHere’s Jesus. Wanna pick his brain? Hur hur.
And we’re not even talking about hypocrisy yet. Mention the death penalty, f’r instance, and every single cunt who’s ever run a traffic light, or broken copyright rules, or cheated on their tax forms will rush out to proclaim how “South African prisons are a joke” (Really? Ever been to prison? No? Well then shut the fuck up, you ignorant whore), or how “At this stage i [sic.] would like to pull the trigger on all people that are of similar beliefs as you … I wish all the politicians to become a victim of crime [sic.] cause [sic.] they are the ones that have brought this onto our people.” Whatever happened to “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord”? Most of these people wouldn’t recognize a religious sentiment if a regiment of Gideons in a squadron of bombers dumped a cargo full of bibles on a busload of nuns. And as for all the people who argue that they’d “rather have 6 out of seven real criminals in the ground and one unfortunate innocent than have them all alive on street” – oh yeah? Well line up, buddy, ‘cos you’re gonna be the first against the wall.

Their logic, as you may have guessed, is impeccable. So when you post a story about street name changes, they treat it like you’re advocating child abuse, rape, and setting people on fire. And don’t even get them started about sex – like the guy who basically equated a group of consenting adults visiting sex shops of their volition with legitimizing child porn:

All of this sounds lovely till your 12 year old daughter wants to do it too. Of course divorcing moraltiy from sex means sexual rights are completely open to interpretation. I.e. if your friend’s 10 year old son agrees to sleep with you, who are people to criticise, after all, ‘it floats your boat’ and in theory its your ‘sexual right’. What an interesting future its going to be now that the handbrake of religion and morality has been disabled. Hope the next generation have strong nerves, because sexual behaviour often is relfected in broader behaviour. I.e. the wilder society becomes, the harder it will be to insist on accountability in other areas.

It’s almost as if their “discrimination” circuits have been fried, or something: “the truly good people like us will always be there,remember my ‘friends’ AIDS is not a virus or a disease or anything like that,it is a gift and it is my God’s reply”. Wow. I don’t even need to come up with a response to that one. Or my favourite: “the continual decline of immorality in society is not a joke or something to be embraced”. Really? I couldn’t agree more: there should be more immorality, not less.

Person in Wookie costumeWould you buy a design for life from this person?
So it’s not surprising that when it comes to advocating for their lord, they’re about as convincing as a rabid pygmy dinosaur who wants to date your mother:

Although you have not yet received Jesus as your savior He still loves you unconditionally. He loves you so much and He died for my sins and yours because He loves us all so much. It’s your choice and always will be to either except Jesus as your savior or not. Jesus is a gentleman and will never force you to believe in Him, it is and will always be your free choice. Regards and lots of love in Jesus
IMAGINE (As John Lennon said) there is no hell of heaven… ha! BUT: IMAGINE: what IF you live as if there is no hell or heaven, and then you die and find out they exist… and you are not ready…ooops! Nothing to lose if you live by the good book as if they did exist, I guess.

Nothing illustrates the poster’s intelligence better than that self-satisfied little “ha! BUT”. And as for the idea that you have “nothing to lose” by living your life according to some set of made-up rules for people who lived more than 2,000 years ago in a country far, far away … Well, that makes about as much sense as taking Star Wars as your model for the good life.

What is it about comment boards that draw these people out? And how many people, do you think, have ever been “born again” because of what they read on the Internet? You don’t see Muslims going online and posting “Accept Muhammad as your personal saviour” messages. Even an article about whining – where does religion come into it?

Then of course there’s this highlight:

Oh Yes there is a real Hell, which was made for the Devil and His angels, it was not made for any person. You Bible should be your guide it is the most wonderful book I have ever read and do read and study each day…If any one chooses against Jesus Christ who is our Saviour and serves the Devil, then you will go to where the Devil is…it is you own choise, every person in this world is created a free moral agent, and can choose where he wants to spend eternity I can recommend Jesus Christ to you, and you can get to know him personally. Your Salvation is not in a church or DSTV, but it is knowing Jesus in a personal relationship and he is real and loves you..GOD LOVES YOU BECAUSE GOD IS LOVE. the God I serve does not send you to hell which is a real place, it was made for the devil and his angels, but if you choose to serve the devil and be his child, then yu will go where he goes…It is not religion that saves you, it is believing in God and his…

Stormtroopers marchingFascists come in all shapes.
(In case you were wondering, those comments really are that breathless. Lots of posts get cut off because the poster disregarded the “no more than 1,000 characters” instruction. Really – if you can’t be bothered to read the instructions for a comment board, how the fuck can we expect you to finish the whole bible? Besides, why wait before posting something? That kind of thing only leads to critical thought, and then where are you? Worse, taking a deep breath and reading your response before posting could possibly even lead to grammar. A lot of comments could just as well have been titled [sic.].)

“Bother your are lacking the Love of God in your life. Invite him , His Name is JESUS Then experience freedom.” I mean, what the fuck? Even without the bad grammar, spelling, and haphazard punctuation, this comment is still fucking stupid. You’d think that the guy had written an article advising people to sell their children to sex slave rings run by the last cannibal tribe of the Amazon, or at least abortion, or fucking in the streets. Of course, the only thing he was complaining about was the abortion that is Sunday afternoon religious programming. A Christian who was marginally less rabid than the others, and who seemed to feel a semblance of shame about the kind of thing that was getting posted, claimed in defence that “Christians are not perfect just forgiven”. Well fuck you, asshole. I haven’t forgiven you for shit.

George Carlin RIP“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
In any event: nothing I’m saying here is all too new, I realize. George Carlin said much the same kind of thing – often. Carlin, who was a Catholic until he “reached the age of reason”, once put it quite succinctly:

Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time … But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Of course, George Carlin has just passed away, so he’s probably in a better position to know whether there is a god. Unfortunately, he is also dead, which makes it difficult to communicate with him, or ask him if the Frisbee is ever going to be coming off the roof. Personally I think not.

 No MartyrsSo I’d like to repeat this comment, which I posted in reply to a personal attack on that message board (before it was so rudely deleted by the sysadmin), and dedicate it to all the Christians who prefer dogma to sense, or bigotry to grammar, or blather to good deeds: if I decided to engage in a battle of wits, it wouldn’t be with half-wits like yourselves. Arguing with you would be like kicking a puppy, or Mariah Carey. Besides, if what you read online upsets you so very much, perhaps you could follow St Peter’s recommendations. I assure you, once you’ve stabbed out your eyes (because what you read offends you), chopped off your hands (because your mouse finger can’t keep clicking the Refresh button), and exploded both eardrums (for fear of hearing any kind of blasphemy or offensive intellectual debate), you’ll be much, much happier. And you know what? So will we.

Finally, allow me to take this opportunity to quote the great man himself, and ask you kindly to adhere to Carlin’s 2nd Commandment: “Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.” A-fucking-men.

[Originally posted on www.africans.co.za on Tuesday, June 24, 2008.]

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