YTAH's Weblog


Jon Qwelane Wants You to Take Him Seriously.

Posted in queer (gay),satire by YTAH on July 29, 2008
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If you’ve read Jon Qwelane’s column in the Noonday Sun, or whatever it’s called, you’ll know that he wants you to call him names. (He says so in his title: “Call me names, but gay is NOT okay”.) So please, call him anything you like. Write him letters; phone him at home; start Facebook petitions called “Jon Qwelane is an ignorant cunt who should be stoned to death with hunks of dried-up cowshit”. I’m sure he won’t mind. (Actually, I’m not sure if that’s exactly what he meant. After all, I’m gay, so I’m only half-human anyway. Maybe I misunderstood. Oh well. Time to take a breather, so I may as well break out the frilly pink thong, high heels, and make-up, and go shopping for gay porn.)

John Q PublicSpazzwank, clitwort, fucktard: Any name will do.

Once you’ve read the article, you may also know a little about Jon’s beliefs. For instance, you would know that “wrong is wrong!”, and that he will under no circumstances “write letters to the [Human Rights Commission] explaining [his] thoughts”. When you read this, you may think something derogatory, like “You’ve never had any ‘thoughts’, you miserable twat”. Or perhaps you thought, “What a queer little man.” But if you did, you would be wrong. Because this column is satire. Didn’t pick that up? That’s because you haven’t read it with all due care and attention. Confused? Don’t worry. Despite my homosexuality and the obvious disadvantages that this entails, I shall endeavour to clarify this, after which I shall obligingly go away and change my sexual orientation to something more in line with my colleague’s unsullied moral standards.

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Victim of Road Rage? Take some DRIVING LESSONS.

Posted in rants,satire by YTAH on July 22, 2008
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Your funeral, my rideComin’ right at you.
I’ve been reading lots of Jeremy Clarkson recently. This may strike you as odd because, if you’re familiar with my tastes and habits, you may know that I try never to read books if I can help it. (What with the written word having gone the way of the dodo and done a Diana and met its final destiny in a fatal, not-so-tragic collision, like all those kids in the Final Destination movies, I just don’t see the point, really.) I can’t remember the last time I read something that didn’t appear in a web browser or on a take-away menu. Also, if you know me, you may know that I couldn’t give a shit about cars and that Jeremy Clarkson writes (mostly) about cars. (Moreover, he earns a living by writing about really expensive cars, which he gets to drive around for free, which means he gets to drive fast, luxury vehicles he never has to pay for even if he totals them, and he gets paid for it, which means – well, it means I fucking hate him on principle, doesn’t it.) So if I care as much about vehicular transport as I do about the mental well-being of popular songstresses or the fate of the fucking whales, why am I writing a piece about driving?

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WALL•E, Or The Ghost of Chaplin Walks.

Posted in movies,reviews by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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Okay, so I suppose I have a reputation by now (at least among regular readers of Africans, thus an average of three to six people) of being a somewhat harsh critic of popular culture. (At least I hope so.) Okay, so I hate bad lyrics, and bad movies, and bad remakes of other movies, and pretentious cunts, and so on. But really – am I all that bad? Am I ever unfair? Biased? Opinionated? Upset? Sure. But I am always, always right.

Biased, moi?

Mariah CareyPariah Carey: If she only had a brain.
Thanks to my valiant efforts, nobody would dream of defending Noel Gallagher’s lyrics, or suggest that Tom Hanks’ performance as Forrest Gump is any less ridiculous or patronizing than Steven Seagal’s claim to be the apotheosis of Native American learning, Zen environmentalism, and blues music. No-one would dare to argue that Mariah Carey selects her lyricists with half as much care as she expends on her choice of nail polish. (Incidentally, a recent scientific study reported in the popular media has shown categorically that this is exactly the same amount of effort she expends on choosing her record companies, or her misguided film vanity projects, or the next five words coming out of her mouth.)

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The Eastern Cape, or Why It’s a Bad Idea.

Posted in blogs by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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Eastern Cape - Frontier CountryYou can’t stop here! This is …

Hmmm, okay. So what should I write about then? Any ideas? No? Anybody? Hmmm. Not surprising, really. None of you fuckers can even get the energy up to post a comment on any of my stories, so it’s hardly astonishing that you don’t have any suggestions for what I should write about. Bah. At least I have an excuse. That’s correct, I’ve spent an entire long weekend – from Thursday afternoon to the early hours of Sunday morning – in the Eastern Cape. Not to mention the 10+ hours drive either way, in a car, with Pikes.

Camel ridesWanna go for a ride?
To be honest, I haven’t had much time to catch my breath. Fuck, I haven’t even read Pinvictor’s last post. (Although now that I glance at it, I wonder who he’s referring to with that crack about “ill informed rants”. But then I read his poetry, and decide it’s better not to ask. Or mention it at all, in fact.) But okay, so for future reference: if you ever think of driving to the Eastern Cape from either Cape Town or Johannesburg: don’t. There’s a reason that God invented airplanes, and that reason is “avoiding exasperatingly boring, haemorrhoid-inducing 10-hour car journeys”.

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Intimations of Mortality: Death Is a Cunt.

Posted in rants by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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And now for something completely … morbid. Rather than simply resting on my laurels and doing something funny, I thought I’d challenge myself a little and write something depressing instead. And, not being one for understatement or restraint, I thought I’d tackle the most depressing thing I could think of, and what could be more morbid than death? Also, why shouldn’t Yours Truly tackle this weighty subject? I mean, it’s served as the inspiration for high-quality literary output from lots of people – everyone from William Shakespeare to William Shatner, in fact. So I thought it was high time that I offer my own unique and original perspective on this matter, for your measureless (and unearned) edification.

Dark Knight promotional imageOff the Ledge, er.
Now, this may be a bit of a truism, but let’s face facts: dying sucks. It sucks fucking piles. And recently people have been dying off as if there were some kind of celebrity plague: Heath Ledger. George Carlin. The guy who built the Cookie Monster. All of this suggests that we find ourselves stuck in a moment of cosmic suckitude. It’s not enough that the next Batmovie looks kinda promising, or that stories about Ledger’s research for his role as the Joker – studying the speech patterns of ventriloquist’s dummies, for instance – presage a hard-to-follow performance, and makes you wonder how many more of these films could have benefited from his over-prepared contribution. It’s not even the additional implication that, pregnancy having worn out its fad value, death is now the accessory of choice. (more…)

‘We Call Upon the Author(s) to Explain.’

Posted in religion by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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Religion is for cunts. There, I said it. You may wonder why it’s taken me so long to get around to this subject; after all, religion is a relatively easy target, and I’m nothing if not willing to persecute the weak and the slow. Not to mention the fact that the church annually rakes in more money than most African nations will ever see in a generation, and thus much, much more than I earn in my menial job. (Okay, so I may have taken an oblique swipe at religion before, but that was, like, 3 months ago.) Perhaps it’s because for a while there, I had made peace with my loss of faith. Perhaps it had something to do with the realization (via David Hume) that faith is faith, reason is reason, and never the twain shall meet. (more…)

Yarbles (Parts I & II).

Posted in humour by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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Because I’m a lazy cunt, there won’t be a proper update from YTAH today. Also, I’ve just enjoyed a 4-day weekend and my brain is stuck in neutral. Don’t worry, though – I’m sure my job and the rest of this sad, sordid life will generate some kind of mind-storm to keep y’all amused in the near future. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not. In the meantime, here’s a t-shirt.

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If It Ain’t Fucking Broke, Don’t Fucking Fix It.

Posted in movies,rants,reviews by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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If you look at my articles on africans.co.za, next to the title, you’ll see that I chose a picture of the Hulk as my avatar. You’ll also notice that it’s taken from Ang Lee’s Hulk. Not the “re-imagining” being released around the world this week – the original. Now, if you don’t know me, or if you’ve never been drinking with me when the subject comes up, you may be surprised to hear this, but when I made that crack about how any scene in Ang Lee’s Hulk is better than Batman Begins I was being deadly serious. Deadly – as in, argue with me, or deign to disagree, and I will personally see to your eternal demise. When the apocalypse comes and our mortal bodies are resurrected, the Dear Lord Jesus himself won’t be able to scrape together enough of your earthly remains to put you back together again. (more…)

‘Bury the hatchet? Sure, I’ll bury the hatchet. THIS hatchet.’

Posted in rants by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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Hatchet – Old school horrorHatchet job? I’m applying.
It’s been said in the popular media that I find it possible to harbour grudges. Okay, so I was the one who said so, and I said so on africans, so not that popular. Be that as it may, I would like to take this opportunity to clarify: I do not harbour grudges; I cherish them. The longer they last, the more staying-power they have, the better. I love grudges. They are my treasures, my legacy, my … children – which is why I cherish them as you would cherish your no-doubt delightful offspring’s first painting, or their first traffic fine, or their first unwanted teen pregnancy. Which is partly why I’m flummoxed by these adverts for sites and services that allow you to contact people you used to go to school with. (more…)

Xenophobia Comes to Africans: Putting the Cunt in Country.

Posted in humour,satire by YTAH on July 21, 2008
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By this time you’re probably worried that today’s missive will be another diatribe on the state of song-writing, or that another of your musical heroes will receive a drubbing for what you consider works of magnificent art. Well, forget that. I had rather a good weekend, which meant that I was not even slightly in the mood to listen to depressing, inane, or downright ludicrous music (we’re looking at you, Bob). To be quite honest, I simply didn’t have the heart to torture myself – or you – that way, not for the fifth consecutive article. So rather than bashing another cultural hero, I decided to tackle a different, more insidious subject matter – if only so I didn’t have to listen to so much drivel.

You could hardly have missed all the recent news stories about the ongoing xenophobic attacks in this, our fair country. Indeed, one of our esteemed site owners has recently posted an opinion piece about it. Of course, being a writer for one of South Africa’s more popular sites, he’s had to be rather polite. I, on the other hand, have no such restrictions, or any such inclination. (Freedom of speech – don’t you just love it? Okay, not if you give it to cunts who can’t spell, or complete a single thought, or punctuate their sentences, but still. As a general type of idea, I mean.) You see, my xenophobia’s bigger than yours, and I’m here to prove it. So enough with the talking, and on with the lynching, shall we?

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