YTAH's Weblog


Everyone and Their God Is Out to Get You, Motherfucker

Posted in religion,satire by YTAH on March 12, 2008
Tags: , , ,

Paranoia is a beautiful thing. The bloodcurdling, toe-curling sensation that there is some global conspiracy against you, with government spooks, dentists, or aliens who are familiar with every aspect of your miserable existence and nevertheless wish you harm. The reassuring thought that some all-powerful covert force exists which has used its infinite resources to scrutinize not the actions of governments, or secret societies, or unions, but every trivial detail of your even-more-trivial life, must be a new and life-affirming experience for you. After all, the existence of a secret plot against you would mean that your own self-obsession is justified. It could even excuse your continued existence, for which even your mother hasn’t been able to find a satisfactory rationalization. This misguided belief is especially reassuring when coupled with the notion that the conspirators may have uncovered the solitary fact, hitherto unknown to you or your imaginary friends, that could justify not only your immediate removal from the world but a subsequent effort to conceal it from the public record. Christ, that kind of thing could even convince you that anyone would notice your disappearance in the first place.

Dentist's glove
“The doctor will see you now…”

Not that paranoia is ever about the truth, of course, no matter how much conspiracy theorists rant about it being “out there”. The only thing “out there”, my friend, is you. Then again, you don’t really care about the truth, now do you. That’s why you like conspiracy theories: the idea that anyone would bother extending the probing finger of inquiry or death in your direction, preposterous as it may be, validates your existence. You’d much rather wallow in the comforting delusion that anybody gives a shit. The suggestion that, despite the odds, anyone could uncover something about your dismal insignificance that would make killing you worth the effort is enough to demonstrate in the most unambiguous way possible that you are special. (Let’s face it, your interest in the minutiae of your day-to-day represents the full extent of your involvement with the world.) Even better, the possibility that someone else has that deliberately screwed with your head, and systematically tried to undermine all your attempts to make something of your life would explain your consistent, all-round failure as a human being. It absolves you of all responsibility for your fiasco of a life.

But believe me, there is nothing special about you. Nothing about you could make it worth anybody’s while to even study your life in passing, nevermind justify the trouble of conspiring to kill you. Don’t get too hung up about it, though – it’s not just you. Many people, like you, are narcissistic cunts. A lot of them are so entirely obsessed with themselves that they, like you, think it entirely obvious that everything must have some kind of connection to them. You know how you can spot them, your brethren and sisteren in delusion? They’re the ones incessantly whining, “Why me?”, as if everything in the universe revolved around them.

Mulder, Scully, & Xeno don't care
The truth is … no-one gives a crap.

So who do you think is left to do all the conspiring? After all, if you and all your friends are so self-absorbed that you neglect most every other consideration, such as bathing, reading, and good dental hygiene, how in fuck’s name are any of you going to get your head out of your own ass for long enough to plot the overthrow of the world? Most people wouldn’t even talk to you, nevermind serve you as their supreme lord and master. Bet you never thought of that, though. Your imaginary friends never talk back, or come up with any original ideas, now do they.

But other people have. In fact, some of them have even come up with a cunning theory as to what, or who, is doing all the conspiring. Now perhaps paranoia is the wrong word for these people. I think not, but let’s just mention the other name for what we’re talking about here, just to get it out of the way. Superstition. Let’s pretend I never said that though, and just stick to paranoia, because I like it better. You see, paranoia is the only convincing explanation for the continued belief in “the sky bully”. (This is how a certain TV hack, in his DVD commentary to one of his shows, referred to the idea of a deity who punishes those who disregard him.) You may have mistaken this for superstition before, but you would have been wrong. It’s paranoia, plain and simple, and if you’re too dumb to grasp that … well, I suppose you would be.

Leaving the subject of your mental capacity aside for the moment, let’s think about this some more, shall we? Cast your mind back, if you can, to all those old stories of the prophets coming down from the mountain or out of the desert, telling everyone that they’d received spiritual enlightenment. Picture the scene before you, the self-proclaimed voice of god and the flock-to-be, and then ask yourself why they never thought: “Gee. There’s this guy here, who looks like a bum, hasn’t had a bath or a shave in what looks like 40 years, has never seen a dentist or a tailor, and claims to hear voices”, and instead decided: “Hey. Let’s make him the leader. He seems sane enough.”

Or consider for a moment the idea that a powerful space-being from a billion years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, travelled millions of light years with the chosen in intergalactic boeings, that’s right, boeings, only to bury their souls in a bunch of volcanoes and then blow them up, so that celebrities and lawyers could spend the rest of their lives trying to convince the rest of us that we needed to spend incredibly large amounts of money to remove their alien debris from our consciousness using only a shitty little gimmick, a few self-help books, and bad English.

Sound ludicrous? Well apparently this guy named Elron has made billions by exploiting people’s paranoia with this shit. But how is this different from any other crappy religion, with their hallucinogenic visions, preposterous laws, and convenient tax breaks? Well, not much. So hopefully by now you understand my interest in your paranoia – it’s financial. And while conspiracy theories per se don’t have as much money-making potential as, say, religion or pop psychology, I am nevertheless going to put forward a conspiracy theory of my own. This theory, which is mine, and therefore all proceeds of which belongs to me, is new and heretofore unpublished (to my knowledge, at least). And it’s about goldfish.

Douglas Adams almost had it right, but he foolishly thought that the biggest threat to our survival was posed by mice. Not so. In fact this has been the direct result of an anti-rodent smear campaign by the aforementioned aquatic terrors, who regard these popular pets as a symbol of their oppression by all land-based life forms. (They also consider them their greatest competition in terms of pet-store sales. Hey, they hate their oppression, but can’t a fish find pride within its subjugation? Sheesh.)

Goldfish flakes
Sleep with the fishes, Flaky.

Ever wondered why goldfish die so easily? That’s because goldfish want to take over the world. All those goldfish dying? Those aren’t accidents, my friends, and they aren’t normal goldfish. They’re kamikaze goldfish, sent as advance troops to infiltrate pet shops everywhere and lull us into a false sense of security. Those cold-blooded creatures believe that one day we will become convinced that it is no longer worth the trouble to keep them as pets, and once that day comes, dear friends, they will put their fiendish plan into operation. I know this because a celebrity told me that it was so. And if they were right about scienscatology, they’re bound to be right about this, aren’t they. Pet shops are the only thing standing between us and oblivion. Soon enough, you’re going to be fish food, flake-boy.

Sorry, what’s that you say – that’s a ludicrous idea, and where did I get that part about the rats? Think about it. What’s more realistic: the idea that you’re completely pathetic, or that your goldfish hates you? And what sounds more insane: the idea that everything in the universe could be explained through some imagined global conspiracy, or the notion that there’s some omnipotent being posed to smite you if you tell the jerk-offs in charge to go fuck themselves?

So yes, you’re absolutely, positively, completely, undoubtedly correct: The reason your statement of belief elicits nothing from me but open-mouthed exasperation is not that your ideas are stupid, irrational, and rat-fucking crazy, but that I am just not bright enough to understand them. (Fuckhead.) Ponder on that, and then feel free to return to the mothership.

(Oh, and just so we’re clear: that’s MISTER asshole to you, buddy.)

[Originally posted on www.africans.co.za, Tuesday 11 March 2008.]

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