YTAH's Weblog


Africans Lays Another Easter Egg, and Film’s Frequent Flyer Wants His Money Back

Posted in movies,reviews by YTAH on March 28, 2008
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I watch a lot of movies, and increasing amounts of TV. Okay, so I seldom make it as far as the cinema, and I don’t actually own a television set, but that’s why, on the third day, Jesus came down from heaven in an ark made of manna and gave us laptops and DVDs and chocolate rabbits who reproduce by laying eggs, like the dinosaurs who never existed, instead of through live birth like real bunnies. Whatever. (I’m sure the bible says something about the messiah delivering his people from TV licence inspectors, or logic, or something. [Of course, protection from these things, while appreciated, is not half as useful as protection from his more belligerent converts. Christ preserve us from his followers, thank you very much. Keep your army of morons away from me. That would be nice; cheers.])

See any white rabbits recently?

Being a connoisseur of the modern media as I am, I am frequently amazed at the shit people are willing to watch. Most films are completely insipid, a mutant orgy of second-hand storylines, choppy pacing, and walking clichés. (Yes, that last one is supposed to be taken ironically, you spazzwank.) This means that any film you see is liable to be a slow burn of mediocrity that, if you’re patient, will gradually reveal its ruthless derivativeness. But being a bit of a hater, I have a strong reaction to anything I watch, and there is often one moment where I can tell whether I’m going to love or hate it: The moment on the shrimp boat in Forrest Gump where you realize that Oliver Stone already made this film, back when it was called Born On the Fourth of July, with Tom Cruise of all people in the role of the disabled Vietnam vet, and you realize that you’d rather see a Tom Cruise movie than the crap you’re currently watching. The first time Roberto Benigni’s character decides to turn the holocaust into a game to keep his son occupied, rather than just strangling the annoying shit like a more considerate person would do. (It may take an entire village – or concentration camp – to raise a child, but it takes only one adult to put them out of our misery.)

Not even Jesus likes Tom Hanks.

These moments don’t always arrive at the same time in the film, of course. Many films prevaricate about whether they’re going to be “the shit” or “just shit”. Or they try to dissemble quality (henceforth known as “Oscar-baiting”), and sometimes they even succeed – with some people, anyway, or for long enough to collect an airplane-carrier’s worth of awards. (more…)

Patience Is for Wankers. Give It to Me NOW.

Posted in humour,rants,satire by YTAH on March 28, 2008
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I hate patient people. As far as I’m concerned, they’re responsible for most of this world’s misery – more so, even, than optimists, minstrels, and jugglers. Patient people are weak, stupid, and utterly incapable of doing anything for themselves. Is there any other reason why they’d be so goddamn patient? The only reason anyone would bother being patient is because they are slow-witted, or have no real purpose in life, or are generally no more than pitiful wastes of everyone’s time. (more…)

Everyone and Their God Is Out to Get You, Motherfucker

Posted in religion,satire by YTAH on March 12, 2008
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Paranoia is a beautiful thing. The bloodcurdling, toe-curling sensation that there is some global conspiracy against you, with government spooks, dentists, or aliens who are familiar with every aspect of your miserable existence and nevertheless wish you harm. The reassuring thought that some all-powerful covert force exists which has used its infinite resources to scrutinize not the actions of governments, or secret societies, or unions, but every trivial detail of your even-more-trivial life, must be a new and life-affirming experience for you. After all, the existence of a secret plot against you would mean that your own self-obsession is justified. It could even excuse your continued existence, for which even your mother hasn’t been able to find a satisfactory rationalization. This misguided belief is especially reassuring when coupled with the notion that the conspirators may have uncovered the solitary fact, hitherto unknown to you or your imaginary friends, that could justify not only your immediate removal from the world but a subsequent effort to conceal it from the public record. Christ, that kind of thing could even convince you that anyone would notice your disappearance in the first place.

Dentist's glove
“The doctor will see you now…”

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Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Random Nastiness for Your Delectation.

Posted in rants by YTAH on March 10, 2008
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Round about now, you’re probably wondering whether it’s possible for someone to harbour as much anger as Yours Truly without spontaneously combusting. Well, I suppose you’re right. If every single thing in the universe pissed me off as much as bad movies, my shitty job, and Tom Hanks, I would indeed explode in a blistering display of vehemence and hatred. Most things piss me off, but there are some things I just can’t work up enough enthusiasm about to fuel an entire column’s worth of bile. So herewith a selection of pithy diatribes about various things that annoy me enough to make me want to incinerate someone, but not enough to motivate me sufficiently to fetch the petrol can from the toolshed. And now, sit back and enjoy this latest emission – a colonic irrigation for the soul, if you will. (Not your soul, naturally, but mine – my cold, bitter, unrepentant soul.) (more…)