YTAH's Weblog

Om te vloek in Afrikaans

Posted in AtraBilious by YTAH on February 27, 2008
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Om te kan vloek in Afrikaans is ’n wonderlike ding. Daar is iets aan die klank van die taal – die growwe chi-klank van gat; die harde konsonante van kak en kont; die plofgeluide van poes, piel, en poephol – wat ’n mens mos onbeskryflik kan ontroer: Naai. Moer. Doos. Hoer. Fok. Fokker. Slet. En dan nog nie eers gepraat van die wonderlike woordkombinasies wat bewerkstellig kan word nie: Poesklap. Afkak. Rondfok.

Die makkers van Fokofpolisiekar, byvoorbeeld, het ’n oorlogskreet van ’n naam gekies. Ook maar goed dat hulle op verhoog soos besetenes kan kitaarspeel en hoereer, anders sou hulle sommer vinnig hulself gevind het waar hulle gehoist word met hul eie petard. Want as jy nie kan speel soos iemand wat ’n polisiebeampte in die gesig kan kyk en vir hom – of haar, laat ons nou nie seksisties wees nie – kan aansê om iets onnatuurliks aan hulself te gaan doen nie, dan sou jy maar vinnig moet begin hardloop, want die skare en daai polisiemanne sou jou kom háál. En of hierdie polisiemanne nou die klere van ’n traffic cop, predikant of kleuterskoolonderwyser dra, moet jy weet – as hulle uiteindelik met jou klaar was, sou jy wéét dat jy geháál is. (more…)

Shitty Movies Make Jesus Cry

Posted in movies,rants,satire,YTAH by YTAH on February 27, 2008
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So to be absolutely clear on this: your favourite movie – the one you treasure as though it were an orphaned puppy you rescued from drowning one morning the night after your spouse left you and you went down to the bridge to end it all; that special piece of creative genius you so firmly believe will some day be acclaimed as the greatest masterpiece ever to subsist on a meagre cult following before rising from the depths of obscurity to attain worldwide acclaim – well, it’s fucking terrible. No-one likes it. And even your friends, on whom you regularly foist copies of this rancid chunk of petrified horseshit in the vain hope that they will one day share in the wonder of your cultist obsession – whether they admit it or not, they will never, ever watch that film. So yes, I know: you gave them each a copy of it, wrapped in a special little box, painted that special colour of puce which you found so meaningful in the film, and handed them a handwritten thesis on the wonders of the juxtaposition of magenta and vomit in the final scene. But rest assured, that lovingly-prepared gift set edition is gathering dust along with all the rest of the trash in garbage bin number 9, unopened. Because desperation is a major turn-off, and your little parcel reeked of it.

But never fear: you are not alone. Many, many people absolutely love shitty movies. (more…)

Passive Aggressive THIS Motherfucker

Posted in humour,rants,satire by YTAH on February 27, 2008
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Perhaps, like me, you know someone at work, or in your social circle, who sighs loudly, often, and for no apparent reason. If so, you’ve probably wondered what they’ve done to experience such sadness, loneliness, and despair. Or perhaps, if you’re more emotionally mature, you’ve wondered what you have done to deserve listening to their constant, inarticulate whining. Wonder no more, dear reader, for I have an answer to your problems. I now understand these people, and why their suffering continues unabated. They are afflicted by passive aggression, and why? Because they are deeply unhappy people who have no moral fibre.

Now, I know what you’re going to say. “But you’re also a deeply unhappy person. Does that mean that you have no moral fibre?” No. No, it doesn’t. Because I know that I’m unhappy, and I’m willing to admit it. I have lots of moral fibre. I could give you some leftover moral fibre, I am so full of it. But at least I’m not a pathetic little whiner who expects the universe to pity them. (more…)

Workplace Rampages for Dummies: Help Yourself to a Better Killing Spree

Posted in rants,work by YTAH on February 27, 2008
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So okay. Maybe I’ve been a bit hard on everyone. I mean, why can’t we just be nicer to each other? Why all this aggression? Wouldn’t the whole world be a better place if we could just love one another, forgive each other our faults, and embrace one another’s foibles? Shouldn’t we learn from our mistakes, and the lessons that our inner children have to teach us? Why don’t we embrace the cheerful, innocent wonder of fairy tales, and animated movies where marvellously jolly animals, teapots, and other fabulous anthropomorphic critters of diminishing metaphysical probability sing sentimental ditties about moonlight, love, and magic? Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t have to worry with all this finance nonsense, and if we removed any need for office conflict by simply doing away with offices altogether? Why don’t we forgive, forget, live, and learn, and create for ourselves a wondrous fairytale land of love? Why do we always need to think about the miseries around us? Why can’t we just free ourselves from such negativity and celebrate instead the wonders of life? For example, why don’t we leave this whole “money” business and just pay people in, well, hugs?

Why? Because if anyone even tried that with me, I’d fucking kill them. (more…)

Glory Be (To the Father of Malice)

Posted in rants,work by YTAH on February 27, 2008
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Whew! For a while there, I thought I wouldn’t have enough vitriol left to write another article. After the way that last one ended, I though I was going to be forced to spend an entire day being all blissed-out and happy (relatively speaking): you know, appreciating the weather and the fact that the electricity hasn’t gone off yet. I was in a relatively good space, intellectually and emotionally. And if I’d never recovered my anger, I would no doubt be reduced to writing depressingly cheerful bullshit like “oh appreciate life” and “it’s going to be alright” and “what a wonderful world” – exactly the kind of schmaltzy bullshit that normally sends me into an apoplectic fit, like the sound of the Sound of Muzac.

Thank god for my boss. (more…)

All My Friends Are Cunts

Posted in humour,rants by YTAH on February 26, 2008
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I hate a lot of people. Most of them, actually. Tourists and teenagers who walk slowly in malls. Old farts who drive in front of me on the highway. Anyone who asks me for money (and that includes all the bergies in Obs and the corridors of Parliament). You, dear reader, whom I have never met; I despise you as much as I do the next man. I detest the fact that I am forced to write for an uninformed, vulgar collection of scum whose only advantage is that I don’t physically have to interact with you. Yes, lesser mortals have described me as a misanthropist; I like to think of myself as an embodiment of the democratic ideal, the right to hate everybody equally and without prejudice. And yet there is one group of people for whom I harbour a special loathing: my friends. I hate them more than my family. I hate them more than my boss. I hate them more than my job. That’s because all my friends are cunts. (more…)

Your Favourite Movie Sucks.

Posted in movies,rants,satire by YTAH on February 26, 2008
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That’s right, buddy — it sucks fucking piles. It’s the worst, most undeserving pile of steaming donkey shit I’ve ever been forced to endure. It’s longer and more pointless than Apocalypse Now Redux. It’s more derivative than American Pie: Band Camp. And it’s more insipidly PC than Philadelphia. If I were that guy from that film where some government bloke ties him to a chair with his eyes stapled open while they play Beethoven — or if I was that Other guy from the last season of Lost who’s found strapped into a chair while subjected to music at ear-bleeding volume and a seizure-inducing multimedia extravaganza — if, in fact, I was a tortured 11-year-old forced to endure yet another fucking recap of their Most Embarrassing Moments Forever Captured on Film and Presented in an Album to be Hauled Out Annually for the Benefit of Posterity — I would be a much happier person than the one who just had to sit through every redundant minute of “the greatest movie ever, since at least like 300!!!”.

I can’t even be bothered to remember what it’s called. (more…)